At the age of 15, I was finally able to look at myself in the mirror without wincing. In fact, I was able to look in the mirror while flexing and think, “Hey, I look kind of maybe all right.” Practices for my new favorite sport, water polo, had been good to me. Looking back at photos from that time, I can see that I was very handsome. But because I had childhood weight issues, I could only see myself as “okay-looking.”
Nonetheless, my 15-year old ego was set to “OK.” That was a huge gain. So when I went to the beach with my sister, her best friend, and my mom, I actually decided to swim without a tee shirt. Mind you, I was just willing to let my stomach – now flat (but not ripped) – be seen. I didn’t plan on strutting around or anything.
Note the word “plan.”
So I got in the Pacific Ocean and went body surfing. It felt really good. For the first time since third grade, I felt the cold water rush against my skin! For the first time since third grade, the waves could pick me up! For the first time since third grade, I could swim gracefully like a dolphin – not gracefully like a whale!
I got lost in the experience, and ended up about a half mile away from my group. The current was against me, so I decided to just get out of the water and hoof it back.
I was strolling along for a while before I noticed the first cute girl staring at me. I thought it must have been a mistake. Remember, body image issues. Maybe she thought she knew me or something. Whatever.
Then three girls passed me on the left, all staring and smiling. Were they making fun of me? I wondered. But no. As they passed, one of them made eyes at me. I turned around, she kept looking with her friends, and finally – furtively – I smiled.
She grinned, and her friends and her starting laughing and waving.
“Ok,” I said to myself, “girls can be attracted to you. Good to know.”
It was a vital boost to the ego, something I desperately needed but didn’t know how to find. It affected the way that I carried myself. I stopped hunching. I pulled my shoulders back. I held my head high, and I started to walk like I had the right to be on that damn beach. YEAH!
So girls continued to look and smile. A couple said “Hi,” some with a note of surprise, while others spoke with – I thought – a note of desire. It was happening. I was coming out of my little cocoon. I don’t know at what point it happened exactly, but I do remember noticing that I was strutting.
I made my way casually – playing it cool, like I’d always felt this good – back to my mom, sister, and her best friend. I said “Hey guys,” at which point my mom said “Holy Jesus Fuck.”
This was not exactly the response I expected from my conservative Christian mom. But hey, maybe the way I carried myself could undo learned impressions, right?
Wrong.
“What’s up man?” I said, channeling The Big Lebowski.
“Sit down!” my mom hissed.
I wasn’t expecting that. “Why?” I said, assuming the typical teenage boy defiance stance: legs at shoulder width, arms crossed against the middle of my chest.
“You’re out,” my mom said.
“I’m what?” I said. What, did she think I was gay?
“You. Are. OUT.” My mom said, through gritted teeth. She said these words with a cocked eyebrow and a sideways nod of the head towards my, well, you know. . .
my cock.
I looked down to see my twenty-first digit dangling there for all the world to see. I collapsed in on myself like a deflating balloon just as my sister, her friend, and my mom busted up laughing.
Looking back on that walk, it all made sense. And ever since then, I’ve worn a pair of speedos underneath my board shorts.
There you go. My first TMI Thursday.
-brian.b
[...] brian b’s TMI Thursday #1: I Walked Alone [...]
Ohhhh, the shame! But doesn’t it feel good to share it with the world so we can all laugh at your expense, I mean with you?
Congrats on popping your TMIT cherry!
Think of it this way: at least you weren’t so tiny that the girls pointed and laughed at your package.
This is a GREAT story! Glad to see LiLu’s influence just keeps spreading
Wow, I needed that laugh. Brilliant!